Lately I haven’t had any resolutions. I just have life goals. Graduate college, go on to grad school, get a career, eventually find someone to marry, buy a house, have kids, etc. But since the first goal is almost crossed out (May 2012 biatches!), I’m going to change it up a little.

This year my resolution is to have fun. Like serious fun. And to enjoy life more.

If I can manage that, then I’ll be happy.

Oh, and rock the GRE.

Boys. Who needs them?

Happy 2012!

Here’s to new beginnings and new endings.

So once again, my heart has been elated and then cast asunder by the hands of Mr. Letdown. For two days it seemed we were making progress over break, he was interested in my plans and texted me for a whole two days (and he initiated). Then…he hasn’t talked to me for quite a while.

There’s an episode called Hooked on How I Met Your Mother and in the episode it hypothesizes that everyone has different friends that are used for certain functions in life, and they don’t ever really move up. However, to keep them around you use the “hook” that you might one day get together with them. I thought about it for a while, I’ve talked to my roommate and my best friend, they’ve thought about it for a while too, and yet we can’t come up with what Mr. Letdown’s hook might be. You see, throughout it all I come across as using him. He helped me move…several times, he is helping with the English Club and has become my right hand man even though he is not an officer, and he read a book for a final that we were supposed to write a summary on and told me the story so I wouldn’t have to read it (as in let me paraphrase his summary). He’s also letting me use his GRE study books, because you know he scored pretty much perfect on it a few months ago.

And I can’t figure out how he is benefitting. Besides enjoying my awesome conversational skills, he isn’t getting anything from me. I feel like all I’m doing is taking, but it’s not like he’s really making an effort to take anything in return. And this frustrates me. I don’t feel like we’re “chummy friends” although he knows way to much about me. He has been to both of my residences and seen my inner chambers (and all my possessions). He’s seen my transcript (which is personal!) because he showed me his…and not only did he look, but he remembers it all, and made a sly crack about me needing to study math for the GRE. I’m just saying, the guy knows too much now. Not even my best friend knows as much about me as he does…like about my childhood (although still only a partial truth of it, because it’s way too jacked up to fully divulge to anyone).

Maybe I’m the one “hooking” him and putting him in the friends zone unbeknownst to me? Maybe I’ve been the one giving the mixed signals? But he’s the guy. Shouldn’t he be bold and make a move?

And a quote from My Boys which encapsulates this whole experience will end this post. (and btw, that show pretty much depicts my life with me being PJ and her best friend, Steph, playing the role of my roommate)

“The reason I love sports is because you know where you stand. Someone wins and someone loses. It’s black and white. Dating on the other hand is a whole different ball game.”

What sucks about being a girl with a bunch of guy friends is that you watch them date girls that you know aren’t right for them and there’s nothing you can do.

Maybe its because I’m a girl and I know what our sex is capable of doing, but I always feel helpless and bad for the guy. Like maybe he’s just trapped and being duped, but believes that he’s truly in love with her.

But then again, they are my friends and I wish for them to have the best and therefore create high expectations.

I do the same for my girl friends too, but usually I’m not as worried about them. Then again, I’m not usually as close to them as I am to my guy friends.

Mainly, I miss their friendship when they become distant because of the person they are dating. Usually, they come back after the breakup or things become stagnant. But the interim sucks.

When I grow up I’m going to have a family.

And traditions.

And a Christmas tree.

And I’m going to do everything in my power to keep my family together.

I’m not living 2,000 plus miles away from them, come hell or high water.

When they become college age, they’re flying home for Christmas. When they have kids they are bringing them over.

Fuck this shit.

It hasn’t really been 500 days, I exaggerated. It’s only been a little over a 100. AND NO PROGRESS HAS BEEN MADE.

ahem…

So last night I had a study session with one of his best friends. I know she knows I like him, as I’ve gotten to know her this semester and it kinda slipped out in a period of extreme frustration caused by his indecision and awkwardness. She’s onto something though, and orchestrated  this awesome writing session for the 3 of us at her apartment. It started at 6 and went to 3am. I owe her.

Then today was awesome…

For some reason we can’t ever have short conversations, unless 20 minutes is considered short.  And we had one such convo at the bookstore. All was cool. Tried to get him to stay in town an extra day, but a new girl can’t compare to family. And mothers always trump girlfriends, no matter what. So that was a battle that I lost from the start. He left everything was cool. We kept texting, everything’s still cool…

Until…

I text “bah humbug” and he tries to tell me that I use it too often and incorrectly. Um…yeah sure Scrooge uses it in a Christmas Carol which is about Christmas, but he says it about everything to show irritation. It’s his version of a sigh. So Mr. Letdown tries to tell me that it is reserved for uncharitable people around Christmas who don’t share into it’s cheer and spirit. I urban dictionary.com that shiz so fast…and we are both correct. But at this point I’m a little worked up (and still am).

I feel like I’m in first grade, you know when you know the boy likes you but you have play fights and arguments because you don’t know any other way to flirt. But then he starts thinking you’re an air head because you want to let him win some fights and purposely lose so he has some pride. And on the other hand you also think it’ll keep his interest.

But then it goes too far…

And you start to feel trapped and that you’re always going to be viewed as this airhead (who magically does better than him on assignments).

I don’t want to be in first grade, I’m a senior in college. How is this supposed to work? Does dating and flirtation ever get more advanced than elementary school?

As many of you know, about four months ago I broke up with a guy I’d been dating for 2 and half years. The worse thing about the breakup is that it should have happened about a year sooner, but that’s a whole tale in itself. I regret that it took me so long, but mainly because I look back and I wonder, “What happened to my sophomore and junior year of college?”. I have no real memories from those years. My scrapbook and blog can’t really help me either, neither are filled with anything of note. Being with my ex sucked away any adventures or fun outside of life with him. It’s sad.

I’m determined to make my senior year awesome and to make up for the two years of nothingness. If you can remember, during my freshmen year this blog was full of tales of boys, tribulations, and adventures. I miss those days. A lot.

But all is not lost. I am reintroducing myself to the real world and immersing myself in the dating game again. I  got an apartment with a suitemate from my freshmen year. She unfortunately, has a boyfriend and is one of those girls on the countdown to marriage. It’s a little sad. So I’m striking out on the dating game on my own. Or well trying to…

See there’s this guy, who I’m going to call Mr. Letdown. We’ve been going back and forth in this awkward flirting-get to know you-feel you out ritual since the beginning of the semester. I can’t tell what he wants, if we’re “just friends,” if he “likes me,” or if I’m just the “other girl”. Reason being, whenever I’m about to write him off and be satisfied with the “friends” title, he’ll do something that throws me off, then things will fizzle a little and bam we’re back at “maybe more?,” and so on. It’s so frustrating and starting to get mildly stupid.

I hate the “Game”.

Over time I will write out some of my episodes. I’m thinking a Sex in the City account, but with a Senior Year in College spin.

I feel like screaming at God right now and asking him Why? I honestly think that would sum up everything. He’s supposed to read thoughts right? So he should get it.

Why does he take the good people and leave the scumbags? Does he know what kind of scars he leaves on their loved ones and friends who have to live without them? Take away Sandusky and all the other pedophiles, but leave the good people alone! Also if God is truly supposed to watch out for his own, he’s doing a pretty shitty job at it.

Natalie, unlike many, I was able to talk to you a few days ago and tell you how proud of you I was and that I loved you. In a way that makes it all the harder because I just chatted with you and you were living and whole. When we talked you told me you had finally found your niche, you were enhancing your already superb artistic talent, and working a job that you enjoyed. Now that’s been taken away from you and you’ve moved on above us.

I will miss you so much.

I really was soooo proud of you! If I had a younger sister you would have been the kind I wished for. Seeing you grow into a smart, talented, witty, compassionate, and pretty young woman was awesome. Being able to assist you when I could, so you could begin to accomplish your dreams, was rewarding. Those short months that you came to visit me have always stayed in my mind. I wish there was a way that I could have done more for you.

I cried a lot today. Not for my loss, but because I know you had so much life and love to offer the world. You were a beautiful soul and you will be sorely missed.

It’s a week into November already. It’s amazing how quickly this year is going by. Before I know I’ll be turning 23, have my bachelors and off into the unknown.

I  might have a just put myself into a spin of depression with that last sentence.

I hate being in limbo about things. I like to have a plan and know for sure what I need to do or should be doing for everything. But right now my life is full of uncertainties. This whole life after graduation and even daily occurrences of contemplation, law school/work, Memphis/or elsewhere, do you/don’t you like me, should I stay/or quit my job, are really starting to make me stress out!

Going to be honest, although marriage is not in my mind in the least nor am I regretting my decision but it’s kinda hard seeing most of your friends getting engaged/married and you just went through a breakup. Knowing that you have at least a few years left, since you’re starting from scratch, can be a little depressing.